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A Grandmother's Journey
Continues
Sunday – September 16 – 3 Days Before
Transplant
I worked this morning for the kickoff of our new religious
education year. The first day of class is usually a very busy time,
so the morning went quickly. Then it was home and time to head for
Pittsburgh. Family members were at the house to see us off. It was
nice of them, but I felt very antsy and just wanted to get moving.
Once we were on the road, I felt calmer. Doing something was
calming rather than anticipating something, which played on the
nerves. It took us 4 ½ hours to get to Pittsburgh; it was an easy
drive. Mike and I unloaded the cars while Jess tended to Andrew.
Once again, it felt good to keep busy and do something physically
demanding.
Monday – September 17
I slept well last night for the first time in the past few
weeks. I had been going to bed late and waking up early - around
3:00 or 4:00 every morning. Meditation helped some, but it was hard
to turn off all the thoughts of what needed to be done at work, home
and in preparation for the trip. I have been focusing on all the
preparations and on imagining myself after the surgery, recovering
quickly, walking every day and being back on my feet so that I could
help Jess with Andrew and help Mike, whose surgery will be more
intrusive than mine. As the kidney donor, my surgery will be
laparoscopic; Mike’s will be a “Mercedes Cut”, called that because
it looks like the Mercedes car symbol. Anyway, I haven’t allowed
myself to think at all about myself actually having surgery. I
believe in the power of positive thinking and am focusing on quick
recovery and healing. Dr. Tan called today, a social call, to see
if I had any questions or if I had changed my mind about the
surgery. I said no change of mind or second thoughts, but I was
feeling a little nervous. I think what I am most nervous about is
being put to sleep. I like to be “in control” and being put to
sleep makes me feel like I am giving up control. I know that sounds
silly, but that’s the way it feels. He reminded me that I’ll be in
a lot of pain, but I’m not thinking about that. I know that’s how
it will be, but I just look at my grandson and know how much better
his life will be when he is not tied to the dialysis and his body
will be getting the full benefits of having a kidney. He is such a
precious gift in my life – there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for
him. So I acknowledge and respect the hard parts, but I want to
concentrate on the good. I keep thinking about how things will be
months from now when the surgeries are behind us and we are over the
hardest part of the healing.
A larger apartment became available today, so
Jess and Mike moved us while I stayed with Andrew. It took them
three trips in Mike’s Durango to move all the stuff, but once again,
it was good to have something to keep us all occupied and busy.
After the move, Mike and Jess went to the grocery store so there
would be food here for us once we are released from the hospital and
she was still there with Andrew.
Tuesday – September 18
Jess has gone with Mike to the hospital for some last minute
arrangements for Mike. I have the morning with Andrew. He is
having a really good day and is a lot of fun. We watched a Signing
Time video during the last half hour of his dialysis, then I gave
him a bath because he kicked his feeding tube last night and woke up
soaked in formula. He played in his chair at the kitchen table
while I ate my breakfast. He has been entertaining himself while
he gets his 10:00 feeding. He is such a joy to watch. Later today,
we will all go to the hospital. Andrew has to be admitted around
3:00. It still doesn’t seem real to me. Right now I am just
thinking of it as one of the more than dozen trips we have made to
the hospital in the past months since he was released from the NICU.
It’s all about Andrew. I don’t want to think about my part and will
not, at least until it is time for me to check in tomorrow morning.
I just wish the next few weeks were already over! I’ll be glad when
John, Julia and Joanne get here tonight. They’ll help provide more
distraction.
Tuesday turned into a somewhat scary evening.
After Andrew was admitted, he was given a dose of an anti-rejection
medication to prepare him for the new organs. He had a terrible
reaction – super high heart rate and blood pressure and respiratory
rate. They finally transferred him to the Intensive Care unit in
case he needed emergency treatment for his heart. But using other
medications and giving the original medication time to work out of
his system proved to be satisfactory so that a few minutes after
6:00 a.m. Wednesday morning (they were that close to canceling the
transplants) they finally told Mike he should register and be
admitted.
Wednesday – September 19 – Transplant Day
After the events of Tuesday evening things seemed to move
along. They took Andrew down around 7:00 and I reported in a little
before 9:00. A lot of pre-op prep, but I didn’t actually get taken
to surgery until sometime near 2:00 in the afternoon – a couple
hours later than expected, but they said they were taking their time
and moving slowly. I didn’t really have any sense of time.
The first thing I remember was waking up in my
room around 8:00 p.m. with John, Jessica, Julia and Joanne standing
around the bed. They reported that everything had gone great and
Andrew’s liver and kidney were working well.
Andrew has had a few ups and downs with blood
pressure, temperature, etc, but nothing they have not expected.
Overall he is doing well. He is still highly sedated, though he
does react to the sound of our voices and touch.
Saturday – September 22
I can’t believe it is only Saturday. It feels like it has been
a week or more! I was discharged today. I am still having some
pain, especially when getting up and down, but other than that, I
feel pretty good. Mike was moved from Intensive Care to the floor
tonight. He is more awake and eating better. It’s a good thing
neither one of has had much of an appetite, because the hospital
food is the worst I’ve ever tasted! I didn’t really want to leave
the hospital. No medical reasons to stay – I just like being close
to everyone and able to see Andrew. I expect to be able to come to
the hospital everyday, but won’t really know until I am discharged,
see how I feel and am in some kind of routine.
Sunday – September 23
I don’t know what I expected to feel, but I didn’t think it
would be nothing. I mean, I don’t feel like I’ve done anything
special or heroic or wonderful. Not that any of that was the reason
for donating. But I thought I would feel something. Maybe those
things will come when Andrew is back on his feet and feeling good
and I can see that donating a kidney made a difference. But right
now it doesn’t feel like I did anything out of the ordinary, or even
really good. I had a kidney Andrew could use and the surgeons made
it possible for him to get it. That’s all there was to it. It’s
not making any real difference in my life; even the recovery from
the surgery is not particularly difficult or painful. I hope it
makes a difference for him. It is so hard to see Andrew in the PICU.
Being on the vent, unable to cry and yet crying in discomfort, all
the tubes and IVs; it is like being back in the NICU and everything
could change not only from day-to-day or hour-to-hour, but
minute-to-minute. I love him so much, there is nothing I would not
do or give for this precious little one. Maybe it is the deep love
that I have for him that makes the kidney donation seem so little a
thing to do. The love blots out any kind of pain or ‘sacrifice’ or
thought for me. Maybe that is what love is all about.
Monday – September 24, 2007
Who are these incredible women I am surrounded by? Each one
amazing. Each one a phenomenal woman! To see the way they care for
one another, work with one another, give to one another. Oh, they
have their differences, tempers flare and harsh words can be
exchanged – especially under such stressful circumstances as these;
but they quickly recover, forgive and move on. They are each so
strong, resilient, creative, courageous, generous. Jessica, Julia,
Joanne. Sisters not only by blood but by heart. Friends as well as
sisters. They face the greatest challenges and make them look easy
by their love for one another, their cooperation and support for
each other. And laughter – there is always teasing, joking, and
laughing. It is the sweet sound of their being together. In
raising them, did I have any small part in their becoming so
wonderful? I hope so. It seems like not so long ago they were my
little ones … now lovely young women, individual and independent,
yet connected to one another through a bond of sisterhood.
Tuesday – September 25, 2007
I had my post-op check up with Dr. Tan today. He is pleased
with everything. They drew more blood for follow-up work. My
creatinine level is 1.5 He will ‘follow’ me until it drops to 1.4
or lower. Should happen within a few days, it is only .1! I will
send more blood work in 3 months. He says I have to drink a minimum
of 8 – 10 glasses of water a day. That is two or three times what I
am used to drinking, but he explained again about how when I
committed to donate an organ to Andrew, I was also making a
commitment to myself and have to do everything I am told to stay
healthy. I want to be around for a long time to see Andrew (and
hopefully other future grandchildren – no rush girls) grow up, so I
will do everything I am told.
Andrew is having another up and down day. He
can’t get off the vent, which is extremely frustrating. There is
also some complication between his feeds and drains, so they have
slowed his feeds and will be starting TPN. Apparently not a big
deal, but it feels like a set-back.
Wednesday – September 26, 2007
Mike was released from the hospital today. Joanne and I stayed
with Andrew while Jess, Julia and Mike’s mother, helped get Mike
settled in at the apartment. Andrew had a very quiet day. He slept
most of it. Still problems with weaning from the vent. He was kept
sedated and sleeping most of the day, and at least he looked restful
and peaceful. Sometimes I just sit there and watch him –
remembering, praying, daydreaming about the future when he is well.
When he stirs, I whisper in his ear – sometimes words to calm and
comfort, sometimes talking with him about all the games we’ll play
and things we’ll do when he feels better.
I did well today with the pain and medication –
I had a dose at 10:00 pm last night, 10:00 am this morning and then
at 8:30 tonight. Tomorrow may be different, but today was good.
Thursday - September 27, 2007
Happy 18th Month Birthday Andrew!
I had no idea how prophetic the last sentence I
wrote yesterday would be. I did not sleep too well last night, woke
up several times to use the bathroom and because I was physically
uncomfortable. I should have taken some meds around 4:00 a.m., but
didn’t feel like getting out of bed. I am having a sharp pain in my
left side. Anyway, the doctor warned me that one day would be good,
the next I might experience pain I hadn’t before.
Julia went home today. I will really miss
her. She has been so wonderful and I just couldn’t have gotten
through this without her love, help and support. Today is her
wedding anniversary – 4 years. I know how anxious her hubby is to
have her back!
This has been the hardest day for me so far -
both my own physical pain (the recurring sharp pain in my side) and
seeing Andrew go through so much. I was really upset when he hadn’t
urinated for 3 hours. I was afraid there was something wrong with
the kidney and that maybe I hadn’t been the best candidate as
donor. It would kill me if the kidney were in some way inadequate
for him. Today’s issues – the kidney and function #1, his still
retaining so much fluid and there being so much from his drains,
having to supplement his fluids more to compensate for what he is
losing (he is overloaded and dehydrated at the same time!), having
to be paralyzed again to stop fighting the vent, still being on the
vent. In one way, it’s only been 9 days but on the other hand it’s
been 9 days. We had expected more improvement by this time,
because some babies are able to go home two weeks after transplant.
But I guess one more time, Andrew sets the rules and will do things
his own way. Sometimes I think all of this is his ways of telling
us to just leave him alone.
Friday – September 28, 2007
Another hard day. So many issues to deal with. Now Andrew has
an infection; his trach culture came back with gram negative rods,
which indicates some infection is brewing. They are not calling it
pneumonia, but his lung x-ray is cloudy and maybe part of his lung
has collapsed again. He stopped urinating again, and, once again
seems to be dry. I hope that is all that it is. They tried for 2 ½
hours to get an art-line in. Even though Andrew is on a medication
to paralyze him, he still sheds tears, so we know that he is in some
pain or discomfort or afraid. That is the hardest thing to see. I
know there is so much going on in that bright little mind, and he
doesn’t understand what is happening to him. It hurts to see him
hurting.
Saturday – September 29, 2007
Another long day at the hospital. Andrew is up and down on so
many levels. His fluid output was pretty good today. I am
beginning to feel more confident that his kidney is okay because
when the output slows down it appears to be from dehydration rather
than a problem with the kidney. His blood pressure is still an
issue. It appears to be all over the place. Since they can’t get
an art-line in, I am wondering how accurate the readings really are.
He is still puffy and swollen, and I think that might interfere
with getting good readings. They have stopped the paralytic to try
to find the balance between keeping him comfortable and not fighting
the vent and giving him a chance to breathe on his own so he can
come off the vent. They stopped the Fentanyl, which he seems to
have developed a tolerance to, and have added morphine. He is still
draining pretty much from the drain tubes. Without the paralytic
and before they started the morphine he would wake up every hour or
two and thrash around and get tears in his eyes. It is so
heartbreaking to see. He holds onto our fingers as if for dear
life, like a vice-grip. God has been so good in answering prayers,
I have to believe God is still listening, and despite what Andrew is
experiencing, God is still in control and will work things out in
the best time for Andrew. You’d think after all that has happened
in the past 20 months, I would have learned a little more patience.
Patience is especially hard when you are waiting for something for
someone you love!
The Papania and Morrissey families had dinner
together at change of shift tonight. It was so great having
everyone sit down together and relax a little.
Mike and I are doing pretty well, but I think
sometimes the long days are a little too much for us. We are both
pretty exhausted and hurting by the end of the day. We were at the
hospital around 10:00 this morning and didn’t get back to the
apartment until about 10:00 tonight. All we do is sit at the
hospital or sit in the apartment; it’s not like we are doing a lot
of strenuous activity. The most we do is some walking, which we are
supposed to be doing. Tomorrow, we will go to the hospital a little
later, after Jo and John have gone to see Andrew before they head
for home. Jessica will bring us back to the apartment at shift
change. It will still be a long day, but maybe less hard since it
will be a few hours shorter.
Sunday – September 30, 2007
Today was a fairly boring day for Andrew. Amen! They came down
on his vent a little and adjusted some fluids and meds, but other
than that no major changes. He slept most of the day. He would go
through some short periods of agitation and need to be calmed down.
When he opens his eyes and looks around, they look so non-focused, I
guess because of all the medication he is on. If he is not seeing
clearly and doesn’t know where he is or what is happening to him, he
must feel pretty frightened, which I guess is one reason why he
thrashes about. I am glad that he recognizes our voices and our
touch. It seems to have a calming affect on him.
The rest of the families all left today. It is
kind of strange just having the four of us (Mike, Jess, Andrew and
me) here now. It won’t last long, because various family members
will be rotating weekends, so on weekends there will always be
someone else with us. Still, I miss John and Joanne already.
My friend, Sue, called tonight. She is filling
in for me at work at St. Alphonsus Church. She said lots of people
are interested in what is happening with the family and asked if she
could share more of our story (some are aware of the website, some
not). I said absolutely. It is not so much about the individual
journey our family is on, but a way to make people aware of the
diseases Andrew has and aware of the importance of living organ
donation. Also, the folks from the parish are such a wonderful,
faith-filled, family-oriented community, I know the prayers will
increase when folks know what is going on!
I do not like still feeling somewhat
incapacitated – like not being able to drive and still in some
pain. I thought I would be doing more by now. I was watching TV
this evening after Mike had gone off to bed and I fell asleep on the
sofa. I woke up around midnight. NOTE TO SELF: DO NOT DO THIS
AGAIN. The sofa may be very comfortable if you don’t have any
issues, but I woke up in a lot of pain. It took a lot of effort to
get up, go to my room and get into bed.
Monday – October 1, 2007
I woke up still in a lot of pain. I did not think I would still
have so much pain this far out from surgery. I guess the doctors
were right when they said expect a 4 to 6 week recovery.
Andrew had another fairly uneventful day. The
attending really wants to get him off the vent so they are trying to
no longer give additional sedation (he gets his ‘regular,’ just not
additional quick fixes when he gets upset). We are trying to calm
him by talking to him, holding his hand, patting him. Most of the
time it works. There was only one time late this afternoon when
Andrew needed one extra dose of pain medication. He had been upset
for about 20 minutes and was getting harder to calm down.
This morning, the liver doctor talked with
Jessica about Andrew’s liver (the old one, not the transplanted
one). We always thought that Andrew had Caroli’s disease, dilated
bile ducts which would trap bile and lead to recurrent infections,
but that the liver was still fully functioning. Turns out, his
liver was very, very sick. The pathology showed that parts were
very hard and blood flow was not good at all. The doctor thinks it
is CHF, which we now understand to be different then Caroli’s. We
know that God has truly been looking after Andrew; it is only by
God’s good grace that he did not go into liver failure. To think
that in June, we were debating whether or not he even needed the
liver transplant at this time! Praise God for God’s mercy and
wisdom.
Tuesday – October 2, 2007
I have finally gotten ahead of the pain and feel so much better
today. It may sound a little crazy, but I think at least part of it
is the kind of chairs I have been sitting. The lower, more leaning
back, and softer the chair, the harder on my body. For example, I
am now sitting in the rocker at the apartment with a pillow behind
my back rather than sitting on the sofa.
Jessica has really been getting on my case
about taking better care of myself. She does not want us to spend
all day at the hospital. I don’t see the difference between sitting
at the hospital and sitting in the apartment. The hospital has
several advantages: #1, being able to see Andrew. Also, I wouldn’t
relax at the apartment wondering and worrying about what was
happening with him. I can walk around a little bit at the hospital,
which I am supposed to be doing. It is climate controlled and
flat. I don’t have to worry about it being too hot or rainy. I
don’t have to do steps. I can leave and catch the bus anytime I
want to. I can change chairs at the hospital. I get uncomfortable
in the rocker after a while and can feel stuck here.
Andrew had a line infection, so they had to
pull his IJ line. That gives a little less access with all the IV
meds he is on, but I think they can still manage with what he has.
Hopefully, when the infection clears, the fever will also. They
will not try to do anything with the vent while he has an infection
and is running a fever. Frustration. Frustration. Frustration. I
have to be more patient. I know in the end Andrew will do fine and
pull it all together; but it is so hard to see him day after day and
not get any sense of progress. I guess I should be grateful there
have not been any major set backs. And I really am grateful. But
it is still so hard.
Wednesday – October 3, 2007
A little bit more uncomfortable today, but not much. The
emotional roller coaster has calmed also. For a few days, I have
felt very emotional and teary. Just everything catching up with me
I guess, and I felt if I could just have a good cry I could get it
out of my system. But I didn’t actually have any melt-downs. I
think these feelings are normal under the circumstances and are a
normal thing for someone who has experienced a major surgery.
Nonetheless, I am glad this ‘mood’ seems to have passed.
Andrew seemed a little improved today. He
would occasionally wake up and try to look around (I think his
vision is still real foggy from the drugs), but at least he didn’t
become “Wild Boy.” They were able to do a little adjusting on his
vent settings. We prefer a little, kind of let it sneak up on him.
When they were making bigger adjustments at one time, he didn’t
handle it very well. His color was good and he looked more rested
and comfortable. I am not sure he recognizes me anymore, my voice
or touch. It is a bit upsetting, because we have always been so
connected and he has always responded so well to me, especially when
he has been in the hospital and needed comfort. My head knows it is
the sedation and he is so out of it. But my heart cries.
Thursday – October 4, 2007
A much better day for Andrew. He would have periods of being
awake and aware. He smiled in response to us, flirted with his
nurse and actually played a little bit! Short spurts, then he would
tire and sleep. But it was so good to see him acting a little more
like himself. They were able to come down some on the vent
settings. They are moving very slowly with it now so he doesn’t
have any setbacks. They also started trying to feed him a little
bit. I hope this proves to be his turn around day when everything
continues on an upward swing now. I am doing pretty well. Still
some discomfort and pain and still taking some medication, but each
day is better.
Friday – October 5, 2007
Andrew spent more time awake than asleep during the day today.
He is responding and alert and knows us! He smiles and gets a
little excited when we play with him. It is cute and pathetic at
the same time watching him try to reach for his stuffed animals or
play with a rattle, because he still has the no-nos on his arms and
can’t bend them. He passed his CPap test today! So if tomorrow he
passes one more test where they just leave on the air flow and stop
all the air pressure and force, he can come off the ventilator.
They will have to spend some time cutting back on his sedation
first.
I am doing pretty well. I don’t have anymore
what I refer to as ‘surgery pain.’ That is, no more abdominal pain;
but I feel as if someone has been punching on my lower back. This
pain is easier to deal with than the other kind. I am really
looking forward to being pain-free! Hope it happens soon.
John, Joanne and Dontay got in late Friday
evening. They went straight to the hospital to see our boy. He was
awake and performing; that is, playful. It is so nice having the
support and company for the weekend!
Saturday – October 6, 2007
What a wonderful day – Andrew was extubated, put on the CPap,
and by the end of the day on the canula. He is much happier. His
voice is raspy and not very loud from the vent, but what a wonderful
day to be able to hear him! He is finally making progress and we
are seeing marked improvement. He is more awake and responsive. He
still has a long way to go, but praise God he is getting to be more
of his old self.
Today was a long day for me. After we left the
hospital at shift change and had some dinner, Joanne and I went to
the grocery store. My first outing (other than the hospital) since
the surgery! It was almost 10:00 by the time we got home and I was
exhausted and sore.
Sunday – October 7, 2007
Jess called early this morning to find out when we would be in.
Andrew was awake a good bit of the night, and now that he is awake,
he wants one of us with him all the time. They had to call her down
about 4:30 am. I went in early, around 8:30, to stay with Andrew so
she could shower, turn her key in and do her other normal morning
routine activities.
Another great day of progress for Andrew – he
was moved to the IIC, they’ve cut some of his meds and are beginning
to wean him from the Fentanyl which they had to restart a few days
ago. They also took his catheter out and his mother and I stood
there to watch him pee for the first time. That probably sounds a
little crazy, but what a thrilling moment to know that everything
was functioning as it should!
I am hoping this has been a real turn around
day for me, also. I took a pain med around 10:00 and didn’t need
anymore the rest of the day. I am wondering if I should even take
some before bed since I feel so good. Not even any real trouble
getting up and down! I hope I have crossed a bridge, so to speak,
and will not backslide tomorrow. I guess the morning will tell!
Monday – October 8, 2007
No pain med or even Tylenol last night and I still feel pretty
good. The one problem was not being able to sleep. I guess the
pain med helped me do that in ways besides just decreasing pain. I
was up until about 12:30 a.m., feeling really wired and not the
least bit sleepy. Once I went to bed, I didn’t sleep too well. I
was a bit restless and the times I got up to use the bathroom, I had
a hard time settling back in – not from physical discomfort, just
too restless to get back to sleep. Hope this doesn’t last long.
The only way I see around it is to just put up with it until it
passes, although I have never been a very good ‘sleeper.’ This
pattern really kind of fits my pre-surgery sleeping habits.
In one way, it was a good day. The not so good
was that Andrew had a bad night and Jess didn’t get much sleep. The
way that turned out good for me was that when she took Mike back to
the apartment in the afternoon after running an errand, she took a
nap, so I got to stay all afternoon with Andrew. The best part was
I got to hold him! For about an hour and a half! I know he wasn’t
very comfortable, but then he does not seem very comfortable
wherever he is. Once he got his medication he fell asleep in my
arms. It was great! Good day for me!
Just when things are looking good, in an
instant it all turns around. That is how it feels anyway. Turned
out to be a bad day for Andrew. He had some kind of major sudden
bile drainage and has to go through testing to see if it is
something that warrants surgery. This all happens, of course, late
at night, so I don’t think we’ll be getting any sleep tonight. We
are a little nervous about what is going on with Andrew right now,
but still have high hopes that he can avoid surgery. As it stands
right now, the testing done so far hasn't revealed anything and the
doctor is hoping it was some kind of backed-up drainage from where
the liver was cut. They are still doing more testing to try to
figure out why it is happening this long out after surgery and to
rule out anything else. Jess and I are really worried because of
the fever - we are seeing the same pattern as before the surgery
when Andrew would get the liver infections, but everything is
different now since the transplants and it is hard to read what is
going on with Andrew. He is having real withdrawal issues as they
are trying to wean the Fentanyl. I hope he starts feeling better
soon. He hasn't smiled for a long time. I guess I should not have
gotten my hopes up for an easy recovery and short hospital stay for
him. He'll still be in for at least two more weeks, even if he
doesn't have any other set backs.
Tuesday – October 9, 2007
It started off as a pretty good day. Andrew was awake, smiling
and playing. But it quickly changed. In the afternoon around one,
they did a second test to look at the flow of the nuclear contrast
they had given Andrew. When no news was reported to us for a while,
Jess decided to take Mike back to the apartment and try to catch a
nap. They had not been gone 5 minutes when the doctor came in and
said they had to do surgery. The tests weren’t really revealing
anything, and they had to ‘take a look around’ to see why the dark
bile was suddenly draining. Luckily, I was able to reach Jess by
cell before they got out of the garage. In less than an hour Andrew
was in surgery.
Well, the surgery revealed that the bile duct
between the liver and the intestines had deteriorated - the reason
for the bile drain leakage yesterday. The surgeons reconstructed it
as best as possible and placed a tube in temporarily (2 or 3 months)
to keep it open and give it time to heal. The scary part of this is
that the success rate is about 50% and it could happen again. If it
fails or happens again, it is harder to repair and there are not too
many options. Eventually it would impact the liver and Andrew would
need another liver transplant.
For the first time, I am scared. I guess I
want better odds or more certainty from the doctors. But this seems
to be beyond what people can do. I have always had such a sense of
God being with us and with Andrew and I saw one of God's purposes
for Andrew in just the number of people united by praying, reaching
out in compassion, caring. I want more from God. I want God to
demonstrate his nature, his strength, his provision, his kindness,
his healing touch. I want Andrew healthy and happy. God has
already been so good to us, so present to us; and so my doubt and
fear also scares me a little. I trust God. I really do; but I also
know that trusting God means that sometimes things don't turn out
the way we want them to and we still have to trust. It hurts. Is
trusting God supposed to hurt or do I not trust as much as I hope
and want to?
I think it is okay to hurt and be afraid and
still trust God. I am sure Abraham must have felt that way taking
Isaac to the altar of sacrifice. And that Joseph must have wondered
what was going on when he was sold into slavery and put into
prison. And, despite the Charlton Heston version, I think Moses
must have been shaking in his sandals when he faced Pharaoh. The
list goes on and on about people who were afraid and maybe hurting,
but still trusted. So guess it is okay to feel that way. No major
crisis of faith or anything like that
So when push comes to shove, so to speak, we
know two things - one is that Andrew likes to do things the
absolutely hardest way to show what a strong and resilient little
guy he is and the other is that nothing is impossible for God.
Wednesday – October 10, 2007
Well, here we are three weeks post-transplant. Physically, I am
feeling very good. I take a Tylenol every once in awhile, though
not everyday. I am walking at my normal pace, can bend over, and do
other normal things. It is still a little uncomfortable sleeping on
my side, but I am working on that. Mike is making progress
everyday.
Andrew still has a very long way to go. But I
know in the long run, he is going to be fine. I wonder if someday
he will realize how much strength and courage and power he has
inside. After all that he has been through, there is nothing in
life that he will not be able to face head on. Watch out world –
because as Andrew grows up, there will be no stopping him from
accomplishing anything he sets out to do. We’ll all have to run to
keep up!
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